Dear Miles,

I'm not really sure what to say. I think about you all the time, so I don't understand why the words I want to say just can't come to mind.

I'm still completely baffled at how you could have left us and gone to heaven this early in your life. No one should have to die at the age of 19. It makes me mad when I think about it. You are such an amazing person, how could you be gone from our world? You had so much in store for you, you could have accomplished so many things in your life! But now you're gone. I just don't understand how you can be taken away from us, just like that.

I think so highly of you, you know that? You're such a great person, and heaven is so lucky to have you there with them. You were the pillar of you community, a volunteer firefighter, a friend to everyone you met, and when someone did meet you, they would never be able to forget you. I want to be a person like you, but no one could pull off what you did. No one could be that awesome, haha.

Anytime I hear a country song, I think of you immediately. How could I not? You are the most country person I have ever met with your accent and clothes and all those boots and cowboy hats. Remember the one that you cut the top off of and just wore it's rim with only about and inch and a half on the top? You're always wearing that one. The thing is, only you could pull it off and make it cool. When I hear country songs and thoughts of you come up, the memories make me happy, but I also get sad. I'm not sure if you're aware of the influence you had on me, but you did. I know you were my cousin, but you felt like my older brother.

Your birthday is tomorrow. March 7th. Your parents are holding a birthday party for you. They are getting all of our family, and your friends together and we'll recap memories, and we'll laugh, and we'll cry. But it would be impossible not to cry. You'll be turning 20. That's still so young. Again, I don't understand how you could have gone at such an early age. I was thinking yesterday that I needed to do something for you, but I didn't know what. Then this letter came to my mind. A letter to my cousin in heaven. I somehow just felt obliged to write this to you.

At your visitation, your parents wore the red Razorbacks hoodies that they had gotten you. They got you two of them, so they each wore one. I thought that was really sweet of them. They cry about your every night. I'm sure you know that though. I just know that you are watching over them all the time. I cry most nights, and I want to cry every time I think of you. But sometimes I laugh and think of the happy times. The times when I laugh, I know you are watching over me, too. I feel comforted knowing that you watch over, and take care of every single person you left behind. I can't even begin to explain how much we miss you Miles. It's just so hard going on without you.

I put on a mask every time I step out of my room. So much has been happening lately, I just can't handle it. I don't talk about it though, not to anyone. Nine deaths. Can you believe that? Nine, including the suicides. I think I might be going into depression. I'm not sure. All my friends come to me about problems that they have, and I worry that if I tell them about mine, they would be sad. I don't want my friends to be sad. That's why I don't talk to them about my feelings. I put on my mask, and smile and laugh with them. It's hard to do that, but I force it. What would happen if I didn't? Nothing good, I know that. Sometimes I just want to leave this world and go up there to heaven where you and God and everyone else is. At the funeral, my parents were telling everyone that they were worried about my brother, how he's always had trouble with funerals. Do they know how I feel? They've never talked about me, worried about the state that my mind and heart is in. I wonder why they think that. Is it because my mask has fooled them also? At this point, I'm not sure.

I don't want to say goodbye. Goodbye means that it's over. Perhaps it is, I don't know. But, I do need to say good bye, for the time being at least. I know I'll see you again someday. I might not know when that day is, but I know it will come one day, when my own life is over. May it be a young life like yours, or a long life, I'll see you someday. Again, it pains me deeply to say goodbye in this letter, but the time has come.

I miss, and love you Miles, we all do.
Emily Christine.

Okay. I haven't updated in like... a few months maybe? So! Here it goes!

I have read all of the Twilight books 3 times. I was reading them when there were only 2 of them! So... yep. I've been doing better in school, only exception is algebra. but other than that... nothing mucha has happened lately. As of this morning.

Here is the part I have been dreading. Even though that part up there is very short... anyways ><

Okay, so! This morning, I wake up and get ready and all that crap. I go to school and hang out with my friends before the first bell and ya know. It's been a good Wednesday. First hour goes my smooth, I finish my picture talented art, then second hour comes. Fun fun, world geography. The whole time, im turned around getting my answers off ed. as usual. Then the people get on the intercom and say 'Emily ------ is checked out' of course, the immature ppl my class is, all go 'Emily's got a doctors appointment!' 'where ya going Emily?' Well... Tony is anyways. So! I get my things together and go down to the office. On the way there, I'm thinking. If it was a dental, or doctors appointment... someone would have told me. Then I start thinking, maybe my brother -Jeffery, he's a senior- got checked out too. But that would mean that something very bad had happened. Then I got to thinking. My dad has had a very bad heart for like... ever. Maybe he had a heart attack. Then I think, maybe my mom got burglarized at her office... maybe something happened to my grandma, or me maw. Then, I am broken out of my thoughts, when my brother calls me from behind, i turn and see, yes, it is Jeffery. i almost start to cry cus I know something is up! he asked me what was going on, so i tell him that i don't know. We get to the check-in check-out office, and see my mom standing there. She looked like she'd been crying. That brings me back to my immediate idea about my dad. but she's acting as if nothing happened so i just go with it. she said we were going to go visit my sister. Yay then! I hardly ever get to see my sister! She lives two hours away and goes to college down there. so my mom brings us home, well my brother drives his own car. when we get home, i change and they call us into the kitchen. They are both in tears, which scares me because... well... my dad just doesn't cry... And then they told us. They told me that my cousin had died that morning in a car crash. I immediately broke down. So...yea. apparently miles, my cousin, was late for work this morning, so he might have been in a rush bus he woke up late. when he hit the truck, the police said he died instantly. i hope he did. i say that because after they hit, his car exploded. The last thing i want is for him to have had to parish in those flames. well, we went down and told my sister. spent the day crying with her. my eyes hurt so freaking bad!

I just don't understand. Why couldn't God have just woken him up at the time he was supposed to wake up? Why did this have to happen to him of all people? And I feel especially bad because Miles has this habit of calling people and talking to them for two hours about nothing! well when the family got together on thanksgiving, he wasn't there, and they were talking about him and his calling. i was joking around and started freaking out saying 'well don't give him my number!' we all love him so much. but people joke. i just feel bad for saying that now that this happened. he was like and older brother to me ya know? the funny, protective one that was always there. Its just... well I'm still waiting to wake up from it all i guess.

So that about wraps it up. yea, I'm completely devastated. And don't know how I'll make it through school tomorrow. My mom is making me go.

I will see y'all the next time I make a journal ^^ -ha ha, might be a while-

*~Emily~*

P.S. ~ And BTW I have a new fav movie actor!! His name is PETER FACINELLI !!! LOOK UP PICS OF HIM! YOU'LL SEE WHY I LIKE HIM LOL!!

There is a good reason I just did the odd smiley, but... it has left my mind for the time being >>

Well, chivilry? I think that it's the right word for this... O.o;; Idk.

BUT!! The point is! My mom and I were leaving Wally world a few minutes ago, and we noticed that this girl's car broke down. And three girls were behind the car pushing it into the parking lot! It was so funny! But what my mom and I saw next, shocked me completely. See, we were heading into the 4 lane intersection. 4 or 8 idk. And the girls were pushing the car out of the intersection. 2 Boys jumped out of a car, ran through the intersection, and started pushing the car FOR the girls. I was honestly shocked out of my mind.

I say this because, just about every guy I know it stupid, and a jerk. This reminded me that there still are some nice guys out there. ~which is good because i needed a reminder big time~ I know I shouldn't be this shocked about it, but I am. I just never see guys doing anything worth paying attention to anymore. ~and if you're a guy and paying attention to this, please don't take affense to it~ Anyways, it's just good to know that there are still some nice guys left :3

*reporter voice and odd stuff* In other news! I have recently started reading the Twilight series!

Hehe ^.^ but yea, I've started reading the series, and I think IT'S THE BEST THING EVER!!! LIKE LITERALLY! I have only read the first and Second book. ~Twilight, New Moon~ And yes! I'm being an uuber nerd about it! The only thing you can do to stop me from being a nerd, is to... well... you can't so deal with it >_> I have literally gone all out about it... I think.

Uhm... yea I don't think I have anything more to say so....

I REMEMBER WHAT THE SMILEY WAS FOOOOR!!!

Monday, I will be leaving for church camp, and won't be back till Friday...? I'm not sure, but I will probably be so pooped Friday that I won't get on till the next morning. Saturday. Yes, Saturday. It is going to be so much fun! We'll have churches from like everywhere coming to the place we are staying! ~some colledge dorm~ The first night staying there, we are going to have thid ultra mega super party, and the theme iisss ~awkward screwed up drumroll~ NINTENDO!! Yes! That's right! You heard me! The theme is nintendo characters, so we have to be even more of nerds and dress up as characters -.- My character will either be Daisy, or Zelda...that is if I even dress up ~secretly doesn't want to ruin rep. by nerdness~ Pssh! What rep? I know I'm lame >.> But that's not the point so erase that from your mind! ...please... anyways. Also coming with me will be ~stupid drumroll again~ and :icon- wait... well she don't have a dA account, but my cousin Chelsea! Aaaand a bunch of other people from the youth group from my church! ~oh and vikki, if you decide to post a journal about the trip, don't be stupid and put where we are going. the last thing we want is a mass murderer let loose at a church camp *sigh*~ Like I said, loads of fun, yada yada. But, the sad thing is, I won't be able to talk to any of ya'll for a week. Of course I have already done that this summer, b/c I was gone for to weeks so far... so... I think I can handle it. Can you? Jk

Dear John

I don't know how to say this, but I'm joining a monastery.
I think I realized it when we were skinny dipping with Mr. and Mrs. Bush, and I saw you sit on my alovera plant.
I'm sure you're man enough to understand that the garbage-man turns me on.
I’m sending back your Darth Vader-poster, but I'm keeping my virginity as a memory.
You should know that I get sick when I think about hating Shrek (I luv Shrek)
Say goodbye to your pet frog Leonard from me/-Emily-

( XDD Oh gosh this is hilarious!)

Dear- your partners name- (if you're single, write John)

I don't know how to say this, but __1__.
I think I realized it __2__ __3__, and I saw you __4__ __5__.
I'm sure you're __6__ enough to understand __7__.
I’m sending back __8__, but I'm keeping __9__ as a memory.
You should know that I __10__ __11__.
__12__ /-your name-


1.THE COLOR OF YOUR SHIRT:

blue- our romance is over
red- our affair is at an end
white- I'm joining a monastery
black- I hate you
green- our horoscopes doesn't match
grey- You're a perv
yellow- I'm on the streets
pink- Your nostrils are an insult
brown- the mafia is after you
no shirt- You're a loser
other- I'm in love with your sister


2. WHAT MONTH WERE YOU BORN IN?

January- that night
February- last year
march- when we were skinny dipping
April- when I was high on sesame seed
may- when I was shaving your legs
June- when you put handcuffs on me
July- when I threw up
august- When I saw the tiny head
September- when your dwarf bit me
October- When I was taking a walk
November- When I tied my shoes
December- When your dog went crazy

3. FAV FOOD?
tacos- in your house
pizza- in your van
pasta - in London
Hamburger- Under the bus
salad- while you were eating enchiladas
chicken- with Chuck Norris
kebab- in your closet
fish- in woman-clothes
sandwich- at the mental hospital
hotdogs- in trans
other- with Mr. and Mrs. Bush

4. WHATS THE COLOR OF YOUR SOCKS?
Yellow- hitting on
red- insulting
black- ignoring
blue- punching
purple- pour syrup on
white- carve your name in
grey- tear the clothes of
brown- put leeches on
pink- steal the toupee from
no socks- sit on
other- chasing out


5. WHAT'S THE COLOR OF YOUR UNDERWEAR?
black – my best friend
White- my father
grey- john travolta
Brown- my whoopee cushion
purple- my pie
red- the cookie monster
blue- my alovera plant
Yellow- my pen-pal from Ghana
Orange – my Carl Larsson-collection
pink – my cat
no underwear – my Cartman-statue
Other- The crazy monk

6. WHAT DO YOU WATCH ON TV?
Scrubs - man
O.C. - sensitive
One Tree Hill - open
Heroes - ashamed
Lost - turned on
House - cowardly
Simpsons - scarred
the news - Mongolian
American Idol – masochistic
Family Guy - senile
other - frost-bited

7.WHAT MOOD ARE YOU IN RIGHT NOW?
happy- how bad I've been feeling
sad- How boring you are
bored- that your Honda sucks
angry- that all your pimples are in the last stadium
Depressed- That I have changed sex
exited- that there's no solution to
nervous- the Middle east
Worried- that we're cousins
apathetic- that Santa doesn’t exist
Ashamed- that I'm allergic to your hamster
Huggable- that the garbage-man turns me on
exceedingly happy- that I'm a clone
other- "Deal or no deal" sucks

8. THE COLOR OF YOUR BEDROOM-WALLPAPER?
white- your ring
yellow- your love letters
red- your Darth Vader-poster
black- your pet rock
blue- the pillows
green- the pictures of Portugal
Orange- your artificial teeth
brown- your cell phone
grey- our matching snoopy-bibs
pink- the old toe-nails
other- your military service-memory-box

9. THE FIRST LETTER IN YOUR NAME?
A/B - Your picture
C/D - the oil-stock shares
E/F - My virginity
G/H - your neighbor Carl
I/J - The blood-test results
K/L- your left ear
M/N - Your suicide-note
O/P - my sense
Q/R - your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V/W - your crime records
X/Y/Z- your high school grades


10. LAST LETTER OF YOUR LASTNAME?
A/B – shall always remember
C/D – never will forget
E/F – Always will try to forget
G/H – will inform The Swedish Tax Agency
I/J – have always felt dirty because of
K/L – have never laughed in public about
M/N – am making a movie about
O/P – throw rocks at
Q/R – informed the psychiatrist about
S/T – get sick when I think about
U/V/W – told the news paper about
X/Y/Z – never liked

11. FAV DRINK?
water- our friendship
beer - pensioner
Soda- a new life as a clone
milk- Eskimos
wine- cocaine addiction
Cider- a passionated interest for mice
Juice- woody allen-imitations
lemonade- your embarrassing rashes
Whisky - destroying the 2nd world war
other- hating Shrek

12. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION?
Thailand - Best wishes
Sweden- love
England- With pain
Spain- Go f*ck yourself
China- gross wishes
Germany- With relief
Japan- go to hell
Greece - Your eternal enemy
Australia- say goodbye to your pet frog Leonard from me
Egypt- Go now
France- Good luck
Other- Say goodbye to your creepy family from me

1. Where did we meet?

2. Guess my middle name:

3. Do I smoke?

4. Color of my eyes:

5. Do I have any siblings?

6. What's one of my favorite things to do?

7. What's my favorite type of music?

8. Am I shy or outgoing?

9. Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules?

10. Any special talents:

11. What am I most adamant about?

12. How many children do I have?

13. Thought or memory when hearing my name:

14. If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is one thing that I would bring?

15. What pets (if any) do I have?

ANSWER TO SEE HOW WELL YOU KNOW ME!!??!!