Dear Miles,

I'm not really sure what to say. I think about you all the time, so I don't understand why the words I want to say just can't come to mind.

I'm still completely baffled at how you could have left us and gone to heaven this early in your life. No one should have to die at the age of 19. It makes me mad when I think about it. You are such an amazing person, how could you be gone from our world? You had so much in store for you, you could have accomplished so many things in your life! But now you're gone. I just don't understand how you can be taken away from us, just like that.

I think so highly of you, you know that? You're such a great person, and heaven is so lucky to have you there with them. You were the pillar of you community, a volunteer firefighter, a friend to everyone you met, and when someone did meet you, they would never be able to forget you. I want to be a person like you, but no one could pull off what you did. No one could be that awesome, haha.

Anytime I hear a country song, I think of you immediately. How could I not? You are the most country person I have ever met with your accent and clothes and all those boots and cowboy hats. Remember the one that you cut the top off of and just wore it's rim with only about and inch and a half on the top? You're always wearing that one. The thing is, only you could pull it off and make it cool. When I hear country songs and thoughts of you come up, the memories make me happy, but I also get sad. I'm not sure if you're aware of the influence you had on me, but you did. I know you were my cousin, but you felt like my older brother.

Your birthday is tomorrow. March 7th. Your parents are holding a birthday party for you. They are getting all of our family, and your friends together and we'll recap memories, and we'll laugh, and we'll cry. But it would be impossible not to cry. You'll be turning 20. That's still so young. Again, I don't understand how you could have gone at such an early age. I was thinking yesterday that I needed to do something for you, but I didn't know what. Then this letter came to my mind. A letter to my cousin in heaven. I somehow just felt obliged to write this to you.

At your visitation, your parents wore the red Razorbacks hoodies that they had gotten you. They got you two of them, so they each wore one. I thought that was really sweet of them. They cry about your every night. I'm sure you know that though. I just know that you are watching over them all the time. I cry most nights, and I want to cry every time I think of you. But sometimes I laugh and think of the happy times. The times when I laugh, I know you are watching over me, too. I feel comforted knowing that you watch over, and take care of every single person you left behind. I can't even begin to explain how much we miss you Miles. It's just so hard going on without you.

I put on a mask every time I step out of my room. So much has been happening lately, I just can't handle it. I don't talk about it though, not to anyone. Nine deaths. Can you believe that? Nine, including the suicides. I think I might be going into depression. I'm not sure. All my friends come to me about problems that they have, and I worry that if I tell them about mine, they would be sad. I don't want my friends to be sad. That's why I don't talk to them about my feelings. I put on my mask, and smile and laugh with them. It's hard to do that, but I force it. What would happen if I didn't? Nothing good, I know that. Sometimes I just want to leave this world and go up there to heaven where you and God and everyone else is. At the funeral, my parents were telling everyone that they were worried about my brother, how he's always had trouble with funerals. Do they know how I feel? They've never talked about me, worried about the state that my mind and heart is in. I wonder why they think that. Is it because my mask has fooled them also? At this point, I'm not sure.

I don't want to say goodbye. Goodbye means that it's over. Perhaps it is, I don't know. But, I do need to say good bye, for the time being at least. I know I'll see you again someday. I might not know when that day is, but I know it will come one day, when my own life is over. May it be a young life like yours, or a long life, I'll see you someday. Again, it pains me deeply to say goodbye in this letter, but the time has come.

I miss, and love you Miles, we all do.
Emily Christine.